Following your heart - confessions of a "good girl"

I have been struggling for a long time trying to figure out what I want out of life. Growing up, I really think I identified myself with what I did, how I performed et.c. It was very important to me to do well in school. Not really because others pushed me in any way, but I pushed myself - really hard. Looking back now I can hardly believe the amount of work I put in and the discipline I had. I liked school, I really did. But looking back it seems a bit too much. In junior high and high school I used to get home from school, have a snack and watch tv for a half hour or so and then I'd hit the books. I'd do all my homework and if I had time get started on some of the home work for the next few days. If I had a test the day after, I'd study and then choose one tv program I really wanted to see and have my dinner in front of the tv and then continue studying until I felt I was done. (I had my own system for knowing when I had done enough.)

When I applied for university I had no idea what I wanted to do. I just picked something that my teachers said was a good program and that sounded prestigious. And what happened? I picked the MSc program in engineering physics at the local university (something that I have later been told is rumored to be the most theoretical engineering program in Sweden). Pretty much from the start I got bad stress symptoms and my performance anxiety went through the roof. By the time I was half way through first semester, I wanted to drop out. (So what did I do? I applied for med school and got accepted (as if that would have been less stressful), but in the end I decided to stick with the engineering program. I found some subjects that I liked more, which helped but I still wasn't very happy. But I am a person who likes to finish what she's started.

By the time I graduated I had already been accepted to a PhD program and the stress and pressure continued. After two years of that and an extremely stressful couple of weeks my body just told me to stop. The IBS symptoms that I had had for quite a few years got bad and pretty much constant and my focus shifted from work to trying to get back to a healthy and happy life. What followed was a painful series of tests, first to rule out other problems and then to try to get some help and get my life back to some sort of normal.

Here I am now, 3 years after the onset of the pretty much constant IBS, waiting for a colostomy surgery that will not fix the IBS but that will hopefully mean that the IBS won't have as big an impact on my life anymore. When I first got ill I didn't get as much medical leave as I needed and now I am facing a very stressful year when I need to do a lot of work and finish my PhD to make sure I don't get problems financially. However I really want to get my degree since if I don't then it would feel like I suffered through all of this stress and really have nothing to show for it. So I at least want my degree. But saying that I have also changed my priorities a lot...

I want kids, so that's a step we'll take as soon as possible, when the timing is ok. (Not looking for perfect timing though because then it will never happen... ;)) As far as work is concerned I don't really care... Yes, I would like to make a difference, and yes I would like to have a meaningful job, but honestly, the most important thing for me right now, is being able to work. I want a job that I like, that doesn't bore me to death and where the coworkers are nice and that pays the bills - a job that I can do without wearing myself out, a job that doesn't leave me totally crazy with stress. I have made "being good at what I do" and "performing to a certain standard", i.e. being the poster woman for the "good girl syndrome" my number one priority for too long. I have done it to the point where I have skipped meals, skipped sleep and kept bathroom breaks to a minimum because succeeding and being good at what I did was so important to me, and guess what? My body can't take that anymore. My mind can't take that anymore. I need to make myself my number one priority and by that I mean putting my physical and mental and spiritual health and wellbeing before other things.

Making yourself a priority is not easy. Sure some people do it and a bit over the top. But what I am talking about is not pure selfishness. It's about recognizing the fact that if you don't love yourself and take care of yourself then you'll have nothing left to give to others. I have always loved myself on an intellectual level I think, but I'm not so sure I have done so on an emotional level. And even knowing what I have been through in my life - all the health issues et.c. - and knowing how much I have cried and how miserable I have been sometimes, not to mention the bad effect that stress and not taking care of myself has had on my body and mind, I am still feeling a bit guilty when I write about putting myself first. I am a Christian and within Christianity putting yourself and your own needs first is not very p.c. But as I mentioned above, I am not talking about pure egoism but about loving yourself. I have found that the less I care about myself the less energy I have to give to others. I know the Bible says that we are supposed to be each others' servants and that it is the humble attitude of a servant that we should strive for. But Jesus also said that we should love others the way we love ourselves. So if we don't love ourselves then how can we love anyone else?

It's funny (and by that I mean strange and not funny - haha) the way I have allowed myself to treat myself. Because when I think about it, I would never want to treat anyone else the way I have treated myself. I would never say to another person that they can skip lunch or sleep and put that time into their work and I would never be as critical to others as I have been to myself (and believe me, I can unfortunately be rather critical to others).

I still don't know what I want to do with my life apart from having kids, and I certainly know that life won't get magically easy just because you make a certain decision, even if it is a good one, but with that said, as I mentioned above I have really decided I need to make myself - my health and general wellbeing - my number one priority in life. And I really don't think anyone should have to feel guilty about taking good care of themselves. I figure, since God has given me this life and loves me, I should try to do a good job loving and taking care of myself too.