Lots going on in my mind...

Next week I will go back to working at the university campus. So far since my IBS got bad I have almost only worked from home. But now I am going back. I think it will do me good to have stricter routines and being in my office out on campus means far less distraction from work than sitting at home...

I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life in the future. I have put so much energy into my education and in a way it would feel weird to just "throw it all away" and do something else. I've learned the last few years that I can't plan everything. Life just happens to you. This is my job up until I finish my PhD so obviously I need to do my best during this time. But if I am to continue within this field I need to really put a lot of energy into it because there is so much I have forgotten. I feel quite rusty... But right now I am not sure this is what I am supposed to do. I feel the work effort I need to put into it doesn't match the reward. And it's been like that for a long time. And yet on some level I love it and think I might miss it if I gave it up. I have always suffered from performance anxiety as soon as the level of a challenge was higher than what I felt comfortable with. So maybe it's just performance anxiety that's causing me to feel this way. Maybe that's what I feel like running from and maybe I would feel this way no matter what I did so that it's not so much what I do as the having to perform that bothers me... In my case there's also my health to consider. The work I have is perfect for me in some ways, but quite demanding in other ways. I won't be able to take just any job offered to me and I don't think just anyone would hire me given the circumstances. I am quite strong but all that's happened in my life the last few years has taken a lot of energy and I don't think I'd do well at all with too much overtime or stress.

The last few years I have really wanted to start a family. To me that feels much more important than what occupation I have. But starting a family, something that a lot of people take for granted, is not exactly uncomplicated for me. It's the usual risk vs. reward gambling... I want kids, but I also want to be able to take good care of them and after all I have been through I don't want to risk the health I do have. And then there's practical matters like being able to come off the medication I am currently on before trying to conceive. But how I do want kids...

I need to just try to relax and take it one day at a time, learning to truly trust the Lord and His guidance. I do feel sometimes that our generation has been tricked. Freedom is great and I think it's good that there is now a choice for women too, in terms of education and work. I don't want to change that. But at the same time our society has changed so that it is now necessary for both women and men, or both husband and wife, to have a full time job and even then there can be financial problems and worries. So now we have jobs to do outside of our home but we still need to do all the domestic stuff. I wish that society would work in such a way that it would be possible for those who wanted to to have one person in the household working and one taking care of the kids. Unfortunately though it doesn't work that way.

When it comes to religion I don't think it's straight forward either. I don't think it's as simple as saying all women are supposed to be stay-at-home-moms. It's clearly stated in the Bible that we are supposed to take good care of and use the gifts we've been given for the good of others. Regarding this I need to really pray and turn to God for guidance the next few months. Because right now I am not sure what He wants me to do. I have a M.Sc. in engineering physics and am a graduate student in numerical analysis. So it's clear that I have some talent for these things. Mathematics was also one of my favorite subjects in school. I see this as a gift that God has given me. So, should I then really give it up?

As I said I will need to pray a lot about this and in the meantime just take one day at a time trying my best but not pushing myself too hard. You're welcome to pray for me too regarding these things and of course for my health and my loved ones too. :)