Seeing the truth

As you probably know I have struggled with health issues in my life and the last few years have been tough on me emotionally and psychologically. And now that I am a lot better I find it so hard to let go of my fears - fears that I have developed from having one bad thing after another happening to me. I find myself being afraid of dreaming, afraid of believing that things will be different now.

I have suffered from performance anxiety at least since my early teen years and though I have been aware of that I haven't quite been able to stop beating myself up and talking down to myself in my mind. Now that I have struggled with my health and fallen behind in my PhD studies I keep feeling like I don't belong there, like I'm not got enough. But that's a lie. I got accepted to the program. I have a MSc degree. Of course I am good enough. Any thought saying I'm not is just a lie from the devil. I'm not sure that I will continue working in this field but if I decide to do something else it should be based on God's leading me and not on evil lies. And I also have to remember that whatever I do all I can do is give it my best - the results are then up to God.

I also struggle with being lazy. There - I said it. I am lazy. I shouldn't be too hard on myself given what I've been through. But I have always been a bit lazy. Growing up I was super disciplined and got all my homework done efficiently as if I had been in the military or something like that. Not the most wholesome way to do it. At the university my performance anxiety got the better of me and I became very undisciplined. It's hard to find the balance there. Especially now that I've had these health issues I find it hard to know how much I can and should push myself. I don't want to risk my health - it's taken so much time and energy and work to get this far and feel as good as I do now - but I don't want to use my previous health issues as an excuse to be lazy and not doing my best either.

I heard someone talking about how he became free from his anxiety problems by exchanging every negative thought he had for 4 years with a Bible verse. I thought that was a good idea. I thought I'd look up some verses that address the particular negative thoughts I tend to have so that I can meet them with a word from God. :)

I find myself struggling sometimes with trusting God. I think this is pretty common for people in my situation, i.e. for example people struggling with health issues asking for healing but not getting it or praying for healing for others but not getting it (here on earth that is). It is at those times the dark shadows creep in and try to whisper bad things questioning God's love for us. I find at those times (and at any times really) all I can do is to keep talking to God, completely immersing myself in his Word and feeding myself with sermons, books et.c. from firm believers who are strongly rooted in God's love.

I have clearly felt God leading me and being by my side the last few years. Yes I want MORE, but I have to trust that God knows what He is doing. I feel my dreams are about to come true. I have felt some of His words jump out of the Bible pages like beautiful promises. That brings me comfort in my impatience, the comfort I so deeply need. I hope to be sharing with you one day soon what these dreams I have are and to be able to tell you that they are coming true.